Ok i was at a mates thinking nothing of the fact that one of my very good, but totally barking, friends Alastair, was at a Thanksgiving meal at his friends' house. Now this very good friend of mine has a very worrying addiction to a little known brand of hyperactivating, super sonic soft drink, known as Shloer. As soon as he touches the stuff he's beyond help. His face muscles relax, causing him to look slightly tired and Green Goblin likey, his words come out too fast and all wrong, causing him to get frustrated at not being understood, and his actions become very over the top and he becomes even more eccentric than usual. This causes problems in communication and when i am happily enjoying at night out with my friends and i recieve a text message reading, 'Congratulations, you have won a competition to lick the Dali Llama.' what exactly am i supposed to think?
First thought, Jesus did I enter for that?
Second thought, that sounds quite sick.
Third thought, what is the Dali Llama?
As i'm slightly intoxicated at the time i put it down to that and decide to deal with it in the morning. I must say i was disappointed the next day when i found out it was Alastair on Shloer. Not to mention the fact that the Dali Llama seems to be a crusty old man who's good mates with Buddha, and i didn't even win. Nope, not a dime. GUTTED.
This leaves me with the hardest decision I've had to make in a long while. Do I...
1) Call Shloer and demand they send me a Dali Llama?
2)Call Shloer and get them to send out health warnings with their products?
3)Call the Evironmental Health people and get a health warning for Alastair?
4)Go back to sleep and stay hibernated till I forget?
I decided on the latter, but my Gran had other ideas ripping the duvet from over me at 12.30 screaming something about youngsters these days and hang overs. I suppose it was kinda my fault for having made the first words out of my mouth that day, 'Whats the Dali Llama?' I was force fed lentil soup and lectured about Georgie Best and the Irish lifestyle for the rest of the day. I didn't make it any better for myself by saying that Ireland is in my blood. Seeing as my Grandad's qiuck comeback was 'And we don't want to know whats in your blood my dear, but i suppose we will when your in hospital having it pumped in and out of you like a sewage tank.
I must admit I was slightly ill after the image of, well I was ill anyway. And its all thanks to the Shloer company and its brilliant idea of putting E numbers 1 to 10,000 in their soft drink and selling it to tee total addicts. I am well and truly filled with self pity as i even get the drunken effects of non alcoholic beverages. I think I might become a watertarian.
Nah, don't be daft. : )
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Friday, November 18, 2005
English country pensioner
My mam took a couple of her customers out for a drink in an 'upper class' country pub. It's my mam, her boss Rich, an old man that was just getting away with still being allowed to work, and his wife who was just about getting away with still being alive. Anyway, they all travelled to this local pub or whatever it was, and they bought their drinks.
Imagine this ok, two couples sat at a dark wood, medievil, old English table, drinking from country beer jugs and talking in front of a big old fire. There was another couple and a group of farmers on the other side of the room, doing the same, and getting slightly merry.
So the old man gets up from his seat and hobbles over to stoke the fire, very thoughtful of him, you may be thinking. But it gets cuter, even though slightly repulsive.
As he bends over to put a log on the fire he lets rip. Big style, loud style and funny style. My mam, being as polite as she is, in work mode, ignored him and carried on her sentence until she saw her boss shaking with silent laughter on the other side of the table, the old lady bright red with embarassment, 20 farmers on the other side of the room grinning and clinking glasses, and the couple near him looking at him in pure disgust. Stupidly, she decided to take a sip of wine to stop herself from laughing.
Then she saw the old man's face looking at everyone, as he was slightly deaf, he didnt realise what he had just done, and thought everyone was grateful for him stoking the fire. He raised his left hand and said, ''would anyone like another one or are we all warm enough'.
By now the whole room was in hysterics, my mam's boss was choking on his own breath, and my mam was wiping the wine she'd sprayed all over the old lady's top.
Oh shit, one of the farmers had raised is glass at the old man, so he went to put another log on the fire, and did it again. But this time,...
...well, his face was described as 'Colin Mochrie chewing a bag of nails'.
Well, i didnt laugh much when i heard that! Especially when my mam continued the story with, 'and i had to drive 200 miles with that smell when he'd gone'.
Pure unadulterated elderly comedy.
Imagine this ok, two couples sat at a dark wood, medievil, old English table, drinking from country beer jugs and talking in front of a big old fire. There was another couple and a group of farmers on the other side of the room, doing the same, and getting slightly merry.
So the old man gets up from his seat and hobbles over to stoke the fire, very thoughtful of him, you may be thinking. But it gets cuter, even though slightly repulsive.
As he bends over to put a log on the fire he lets rip. Big style, loud style and funny style. My mam, being as polite as she is, in work mode, ignored him and carried on her sentence until she saw her boss shaking with silent laughter on the other side of the table, the old lady bright red with embarassment, 20 farmers on the other side of the room grinning and clinking glasses, and the couple near him looking at him in pure disgust. Stupidly, she decided to take a sip of wine to stop herself from laughing.
Then she saw the old man's face looking at everyone, as he was slightly deaf, he didnt realise what he had just done, and thought everyone was grateful for him stoking the fire. He raised his left hand and said, ''would anyone like another one or are we all warm enough'.
By now the whole room was in hysterics, my mam's boss was choking on his own breath, and my mam was wiping the wine she'd sprayed all over the old lady's top.
Oh shit, one of the farmers had raised is glass at the old man, so he went to put another log on the fire, and did it again. But this time,...
...well, his face was described as 'Colin Mochrie chewing a bag of nails'.
Well, i didnt laugh much when i heard that! Especially when my mam continued the story with, 'and i had to drive 200 miles with that smell when he'd gone'.
Pure unadulterated elderly comedy.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
modern music, that is the question.
My mind is costantly working overtime about pointless things, as you have probably guessed by now. Things such as frogs and chemicals and things. But my most recent encounter with the strange reasons for peoples' amusement is modern song music. Ok so yeah we all listen to music at some time or other in our short, unineresting lives, but what does it mean to us and why?
People who sing about love
1. They are either too young to have experienced it or too old to remember it.
2. They also seem to work so much that they couldn't possibly have time for it.
3. They don't write the songs themselves anyway, so how do they perform them with such meaning?
People who sing about being poor
1. They are rich so why sing about being poor when your not, thats lying.
2. They earn shit loads everyday and give half a day's wage to charity in a whole entire lifetime and expect good publicity.
3. They get the good publicity!!! (that makes me mad!)
People who sing about stardom
1. They are just rubbing it in that their lives are more fast-track and interesting than ours
2. They usually moan about it in interviews and stress how hard it is.
3. This means they actually don't appreciate it.
So Question: What's the point in us listening to their music when it's either a pile of turd or a monumental waving of their middle finger?
And Answer: Clearly we have nothing better to do than pay to hear people sing song that they haven't written about things they don't know about, or are very happy about because we are paying them to do it.
So why do we think that humans are the cleverest species when obviously dogs are for the following obvious reasons.
1.They don't bother with language they just grunt, howl and shit.
2.If they don't like someone, they piss on their shoes.
3. If they do like something, they piss on it.
4. If they like a female dog they chase her around, jump on her back end, have their end away and strut off.
5. They don't use toilet paper, they shit on the footpath and we're dumb enoughh to either clean it up or walk in it.
Enough said really i think. So from now on I have made a pledge to myself to never buy modern music again, unless it has been written, sang, and promoted by dogs. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Girls Aloud discluded from this promise.
I will write my own lyrics and play them on a plastic banjo that i will buy for the smallest amount payable at the Early Learning Centre, and i will listen to it on my own in a dark room until i can stand it no longer and give in to the sound of tinny Brit-pop, or ex Aussie Soap Stars on helium.
I will go cold turkey from modern music and cry myself to sleep at night, cradling my sore ears from the noise of my brainwashing addiction.
Goodnight.
People who sing about love
1. They are either too young to have experienced it or too old to remember it.
2. They also seem to work so much that they couldn't possibly have time for it.
3. They don't write the songs themselves anyway, so how do they perform them with such meaning?
People who sing about being poor
1. They are rich so why sing about being poor when your not, thats lying.
2. They earn shit loads everyday and give half a day's wage to charity in a whole entire lifetime and expect good publicity.
3. They get the good publicity!!! (that makes me mad!)
People who sing about stardom
1. They are just rubbing it in that their lives are more fast-track and interesting than ours
2. They usually moan about it in interviews and stress how hard it is.
3. This means they actually don't appreciate it.
So Question: What's the point in us listening to their music when it's either a pile of turd or a monumental waving of their middle finger?
And Answer: Clearly we have nothing better to do than pay to hear people sing song that they haven't written about things they don't know about, or are very happy about because we are paying them to do it.
So why do we think that humans are the cleverest species when obviously dogs are for the following obvious reasons.
1.They don't bother with language they just grunt, howl and shit.
2.If they don't like someone, they piss on their shoes.
3. If they do like something, they piss on it.
4. If they like a female dog they chase her around, jump on her back end, have their end away and strut off.
5. They don't use toilet paper, they shit on the footpath and we're dumb enoughh to either clean it up or walk in it.
Enough said really i think. So from now on I have made a pledge to myself to never buy modern music again, unless it has been written, sang, and promoted by dogs. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Girls Aloud discluded from this promise.
I will write my own lyrics and play them on a plastic banjo that i will buy for the smallest amount payable at the Early Learning Centre, and i will listen to it on my own in a dark room until i can stand it no longer and give in to the sound of tinny Brit-pop, or ex Aussie Soap Stars on helium.
I will go cold turkey from modern music and cry myself to sleep at night, cradling my sore ears from the noise of my brainwashing addiction.
Goodnight.
setting a good example!
As an older sibling, of course, my duties to my younger brother and sister are much the same as my older brothers' were to me. And so, fortunately, i have them to blame for the unfortunate event that occured yesterday.
My sister, Charlie-Beth, eleven years old, has just started high school and during the summer holidays i decided that it was up to me to teach her how to look after herself. - A decision i was later to regret.
Nov 11th 2005
Charlie-Beth goes to the bottom of the road to catch her school bus and meets up with her friend Hannah. They meet and greet and walk together discussing the extension Hannah's dad is building on the side of the house. Charlie is in a bit of a sad mood as her mam was rushed to hospital the night before. But being a little tough-nut, she keeps it a secret.
They get onto the bus and sit down. Joe, my brother, fourteen years old, sits behind them to keep an eye on Charlie and make sure she's ok.
Hannah starts to pick on Charlie because she isn't laughing and joking as normal and Joe tells her to give Charlie a break because her mam is in hospital. Hannah shouts, "Your mam's not in hospital, i saw her last night!" Charlie turned to her and said, "She fucking is, love," and turned away. Charlie got a tear in her eye as she stared out of the window.
Hannah felt guilty and said sorry to Charlie. Charlie turned to her and said, "yeah and i'd be sorry if you fell off your scaffolding."
Pure genius even if i do say so myself. Thankyou. I never turn away anyone with bullying issues, but there is generally a charge.
My sister, Charlie-Beth, eleven years old, has just started high school and during the summer holidays i decided that it was up to me to teach her how to look after herself. - A decision i was later to regret.
Nov 11th 2005
Charlie-Beth goes to the bottom of the road to catch her school bus and meets up with her friend Hannah. They meet and greet and walk together discussing the extension Hannah's dad is building on the side of the house. Charlie is in a bit of a sad mood as her mam was rushed to hospital the night before. But being a little tough-nut, she keeps it a secret.
They get onto the bus and sit down. Joe, my brother, fourteen years old, sits behind them to keep an eye on Charlie and make sure she's ok.
Hannah starts to pick on Charlie because she isn't laughing and joking as normal and Joe tells her to give Charlie a break because her mam is in hospital. Hannah shouts, "Your mam's not in hospital, i saw her last night!" Charlie turned to her and said, "She fucking is, love," and turned away. Charlie got a tear in her eye as she stared out of the window.
Hannah felt guilty and said sorry to Charlie. Charlie turned to her and said, "yeah and i'd be sorry if you fell off your scaffolding."
Pure genius even if i do say so myself. Thankyou. I never turn away anyone with bullying issues, but there is generally a charge.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
frogs
Another theory, just go with me on this. On the news the other day there was this thing about how they are coming up with new ways to run cars in the U.S and one of their ideas was to use the chemicals in pond weed. This gets my cogs working of course and i get a light bulb... hmmm? what if a frog got in with its babys and its mates and they were living in your fuel tank trying not to get gotten by the fan chopper thing that chopped up the weeds. they would have a little community right? And they would evolve right? So they would probably build a whole city around the fan chopper and put a cage around it and that would be where all the unhappy frogs would go to kill themselves, so they would have to have ambulance frogs and coroner frogs and they would earn money right?
ok, this poses a few questions;
1. what would they use for money and how much would things cost?
2. would they have a windsor frog family and a tony blair frog?
3. would they have nice frog neighbourhoods and nasty ones?
4. would we even know their world existed?
This worries me because yet again I could be missing out on something thats really interesting and I have questions that will never be answered. I have NEEDS you know, and this world is not to the standard where it can give me the answers to the questions i have and therefore i have a big gap in my knowledge and this crappy world is holding me back.
ooh, another thought! Great, now i have guilt. I never thought about those frogs? Their world revolves around a fan chopper thing and they know no other environment apart from the fuel tank. Their knowledge is much less than mine. But if i got a long tube I could put it in the petrol hole and preach to them about our world and maybe they would think I was God. Maybe thats what our God is!!!! oh crumbs, what is this world we live in.
Conclusion;
I can now conclude that I have concluded nothing in my conclusion, but i have REALLY scared myself and pissed myself off at the fact that this world doesn't try hard enough to teach us pointless things. I have also concluded that I am still dying to meet God, but for different reasons than previously. Obviously, if he was a frog I think he would have had the decency to tell us right? Right?
ok, this poses a few questions;
1. what would they use for money and how much would things cost?
2. would they have a windsor frog family and a tony blair frog?
3. would they have nice frog neighbourhoods and nasty ones?
4. would we even know their world existed?
This worries me because yet again I could be missing out on something thats really interesting and I have questions that will never be answered. I have NEEDS you know, and this world is not to the standard where it can give me the answers to the questions i have and therefore i have a big gap in my knowledge and this crappy world is holding me back.
ooh, another thought! Great, now i have guilt. I never thought about those frogs? Their world revolves around a fan chopper thing and they know no other environment apart from the fuel tank. Their knowledge is much less than mine. But if i got a long tube I could put it in the petrol hole and preach to them about our world and maybe they would think I was God. Maybe thats what our God is!!!! oh crumbs, what is this world we live in.
Conclusion;
I can now conclude that I have concluded nothing in my conclusion, but i have REALLY scared myself and pissed myself off at the fact that this world doesn't try hard enough to teach us pointless things. I have also concluded that I am still dying to meet God, but for different reasons than previously. Obviously, if he was a frog I think he would have had the decency to tell us right? Right?
Thursday, November 03, 2005
i went a swimmin
Ok, I had a real moment of pity today. I went swiiming with my Gran because she's got artheritis and she has to go to the leisure centre to do aqua fit to help with the pain. She asked me to go with her because I wasn't busy and she doesn't like going on her own. So I packed my bag and we went. I knew it'd be funny as soon as we got into the changing room and there were loads of three foot pensioners in technicoloured swimming costumes. They looked like smarties and i was suprised when the water didn't change colour when we got in. A little old lady called Beth (fuschia), decided to show off to her friends and the new instructor and she ran from the door to the changing room to the pool, and jumped in. he went straight under and she was under so long I didn't think we'd see her again. When she finally popped up she had a locker key in her hand and shouted "clumsy buggers. Why can't they keep there property with them." I thought, "Obviously they didn't mean to lose there key because it's the only way to get their clothes back." As I was thinking this, the instructor said that no one had reported not being able to get into their locker that day. Everyone looked at her as she was mouthing off about young uns these days havig so many clothes they don't care if they lose them and that people throw money away. My Gran came to me and iformed me that she was the one no one liked and she was always trying to impress. I gathered that as soon as i noticed that she didnt have a key to a locker on her wrist or her ankle or anywhere. It was a slow motion moment where i felt the embarassment for her before she even knew herself. When she realised she was so embarassed she went pinker than her costume. I thought it was nice that no one said anything to her, but at the same time it made me feel really sorry for her. Do you ever get like that about old people? I always feel sorry for them anyway with out them having to get hurt or upset or anything. Like when I was watching 'Doctors' the other day and this old woman was forgetting things and her son was beating her up but she wouldn't tell the doc. I just wanted to give her a big cuddle.
I hate feeling sorry for people and not being able to help them. I need ideas on how to help old people without them feeling patronised. Help me if you would.
I hate feeling sorry for people and not being able to help them. I need ideas on how to help old people without them feeling patronised. Help me if you would.
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