dali llama, dali, llama, no thankyou

Ok i was at a mates thinking nothing of the fact that one of my very good, but totally barking, friends Alastair, was at a Thanksgiving meal at his friends' house. Now this very good friend of mine has a very worrying addiction to a little known brand of hyperactivating, super sonic soft drink, known as Shloer. As soon as he touches the stuff he's beyond help. His face muscles relax, causing him to look slightly tired and Green Goblin likey, his words come out too fast and all wrong, causing him to get frustrated at not being understood, and his actions become very over the top and he becomes even more eccentric than usual. This causes problems in communication and when i am happily enjoying at night out with my friends and i recieve a text message reading, 'Congratulations, you have won a competition to lick the Dali Llama.' what exactly am i supposed to think?

First thought, Jesus did I enter for that?
Second thought, that sounds quite sick.
Third thought, what is the Dali Llama?

As i'm slightly intoxicated at the time i put it down to that and decide to deal with it in the morning. I must say i was disappointed the next day when i found out it was Alastair on Shloer. Not to mention the fact that the Dali Llama seems to be a crusty old man who's good mates with Buddha, and i didn't even win. Nope, not a dime. GUTTED.

This leaves me with the hardest decision I've had to make in a long while. Do I...
1) Call Shloer and demand they send me a Dali Llama?
2)Call Shloer and get them to send out health warnings with their products?
3)Call the Evironmental Health people and get a health warning for Alastair?
4)Go back to sleep and stay hibernated till I forget?

I decided on the latter, but my Gran had other ideas ripping the duvet from over me at 12.30 screaming something about youngsters these days and hang overs. I suppose it was kinda my fault for having made the first words out of my mouth that day, 'Whats the Dali Llama?' I was force fed lentil soup and lectured about Georgie Best and the Irish lifestyle for the rest of the day. I didn't make it any better for myself by saying that Ireland is in my blood. Seeing as my Grandad's qiuck comeback was 'And we don't want to know whats in your blood my dear, but i suppose we will when your in hospital having it pumped in and out of you like a sewage tank.

I must admit I was slightly ill after the image of, well I was ill anyway. And its all thanks to the Shloer company and its brilliant idea of putting E numbers 1 to 10,000 in their soft drink and selling it to tee total addicts. I am well and truly filled with self pity as i even get the drunken effects of non alcoholic beverages. I think I might become a watertarian.

Nah, don't be daft. : )